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Archive for October, 2006

Boo!

Tuesday, October 31st, 2006

Happy Halloween. I got to do some acting last night, thanks to a neighbor. A gent down the block wrote a 7-character crime drama about some middle-aged guys in Baltimore trying to pull off a million dollar heist. The playwright rented a theatre for a reading of his work. The seven of us castmembers took to a little stage on West 36th Street at 8pm. Every single person in the audience stayed through the whole thing. Well…they really couldn’t leave considering that all of us in the cast had them outnumbered but, be that as it may, it was a sweet experience nonetheless.

Today, I’m renting one of my favorite and most subversive classic films that’s perfect for Halloween — THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN is now out on DVD. That was the very successful 1935 sequel to FRANKENSTEIN in which Dr. Frankenstein decides that The Monster needs a woman. If you haven’t seen it in a while or ever before, you need to check it out. The lab assistant, Dr. Pretorious, makes Carson from “The Queer Eye” seem like Donald Rumsfeld. My favorite part happens when The Monster gets loose and tears through the countryside, full of rage, killing and scaring peasants. The huge, powerfully built man-creature dressed in black comes to a charming little cottage in the woods. A peaceful, mature, lonely blind man lives in the cottage alone. With his violin. You’re positive The Monster will crush him like a bug, but…no. Instead, the blind man takes The Monster by his large hand, brings him into his house and offers him white wine, freshly baked peasant bread and cigars. The next thing you know, The Monster’s lying down, getting a massage and listening to classical music.

HELLO!!!!! CAN ANYONE SAY “DOMESTIC PARTNERSHIP”????? FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS, I’VE DREAMED OF THAT VERY THING HAPPENING TO ME HERE IN NEW YORK CITY!!!

The two are very happy together for days until a couple of hunters come along and ruin the whole thing. The heartbroken, angry Frankenstein monster races back to the laboratory, goes through with the arranged marriage to the doctor’s new creation, and ultimately becomes the governor of New Jersey.

I love classic films. You should too. I’ve got to go pick up my costume now. I’m going out tonight as Condoleezza Rice. You have no idea how scary that is.

Posted in My Life | 1 Comment »

The “Show Me” State

Monday, October 30th, 2006

Congratulations to St. Louis, Missouri! It was voted “Most Dangerous City in the Country.”

My sources tell me that the talent competition clinched the title. Miss St. Louis walked out, sang “Memory” from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Cats,” then ran backstage and mowed down the other contestants with an AK-47 just like Al Pacino as Scarface. She was ably assisted by Miss Detroit, voted the second most dangerous city the in country.

Judges discovered that the crown had been ripped off during a commercial break. So both were given roses, a thorough cavity search, and then placed in lock-up.

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Celebrity Birthday

Sunday, October 29th, 2006

It’s Sunday and it’s the 35th birthday of actress Winona Ryder. If she’s out shopping for something to wear to her birthday party tonight and can’t make up her mind what to get, I suggest she keep in mind what Arthur Bach’s butler recommended to Linda Marolla in the movie ARTHUR:

“Steal something casual.”

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Oprah’s Monday Madness

Saturday, October 28th, 2006

It’ll be Oprah’s Favorite Giveaway.

Whatever Oprah gives away on her show seems to have magic powers — like the Holy Grail. Movie stars who own homes the size of Banana Republic outlet stores…stars who makes millions of dollars per picture beg for tickets to her “Christmas in July” show just so they can get a free capuccino maker or a pair of casual workout pants that have the word “Juicy” written on the butt. Brad Pitt tried to get a free ticket for his mother but he couldn’t. (By the way, if you’re up for nearly 2 1/2 hours of people in agony, scroll down to read my review of Brad’s new movie, BABEL. He gives a damn good performance but I sure didn’t expect to see him become a human bedpan.)

This coming Monday, Oprah will perform another major giveaway. It promises to be a big show because even her website is promoting it as Oprah’s Favorite Giveaway…Ever! What possibly can it be? Well…my sources tell me that each and every member of the show’s studio audience will get — are you ready??? — a poor Black child from the tiny African village of Malawi!!!! With the help of Oprah’s Celebrity Angels — Brad, Angelina, Madonna, and the Spiegel Gift Catalogue — little African tots have been shipped to Chicago with adoption papers and will be brought out by members of Oprah’s staff, ready to go to good homes. I’ve also been told that this giveaway is causing such a buzz in Hollywood that producers are thinking of handing out poor African babies to all the presenters instead of giftbags at next year’s Academy Awards. It’s different, charitable and, come tax time, very deductible. Viva, Oprah!

Posted in TV | 1 Comment »

The Peacock vs The Dixie Chicks

Friday, October 27th, 2006

NBC, the network that once used the peacock as its logo, will not air commercials for the Dixie Chicks documentary, “Shut Up and Sing.” The network claims its because of the musical group’s public controversy. The film covers the trio’s troubles after it publicly criticized the President on the eve of the Iraq invasion. CBS and Fox will air the ads. OK…let’s think about this.

When Bush Sr dropkicked us into Desert Storm, NBC suddenly changed its previously scheduled programming one night for a special broadcast of “Star Wars: Return of the Jedi.” By then, that sequel had aired a lot on channels like American Movie Classics. I watched the special broadcast anyway because I dig that movie. Then, I got it. The Battle in the Desert sequence. That special broadcast was a war rally. NBC had really put the “b” in the word “subtle.” When Bush Jr declared war on Baghdad, NBC did another sudden programming change with a special broadcast of another film that had been on TV a lot with commercial breaks — “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.” Remember that sequel? Indy was kicking some serious Pakistani ass. Coincidence? I think not. “Raiders of the Lost Ark” is cool. That had jungle natives. “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” had Nazis. It’s cool too. But Harrison Ford punching out bad guys in India seemed to be an entertaining way of keeping the country “on message,” as they’d say in the White House.

In 2000, “Today” did a special 2-part feature on the release of “I Love You, Ronnie.” That was a book compilation of love letters from Ronald to Nancy Reagan. Katie Couric did the interviews. It was mentioned that the Reagans had a long love affair of a marriage. However, at no time was there a mention that it was the late President’s second marriage. His first one ended in divorce. His first wife was not exactly an anonymous underachiever. Jane Wyman has three Best Actress Oscar nominations to her credit and one win, plus she starred on a hit TV series called “Falcon Crest.” She was a Hollywood A-List actress. If there was a book of love letters from Bill to Hilary Clinton, do you think the Lewinski scandal would be referred to if the book was the subject of a 2-part feature on the same show? For nine years, starting in the 1950s, actor Ronald Reagan was the host of “GE Theater” on TV. NBC is owned by GE.

A few years ago, national press was on alert. The buzz was that Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger was going to hold a press conference in California and announce his candidacy for the governorship. At the last minute, the press conference was canceled which dampened the buzz somewhat about Schwarzenegger’s political aspirations. Then, he made the announcement. Remember where he made it? On NBC’s “Tonight” show with Jay Leno. Who’s Arnold married to? NBC anchor/reporter Maria Shriver.

NBC is not airing commercials for the Dixie Chicks documentary. They criticized the President. I don’t think NBC’s move is because of the girl’s public controversy, I think it’s because they criticized the wrong president and the wrong political party. But that’s just me.

Posted in Politics, TV | 2 Comments »

the blog about BABEL

Friday, October 27th, 2006

I reviewed it today (Friday) during the 8-9:00 hour of “Wake Up with Whoopi.” I see in this morning’s newspapers that some very hightone national critics have raved about BABEL and feel is Best Picture-worthy come Oscar time. I stand by my review which you can hear if you go to the Premiere Radio website and listen to Hour #4 of the 10/27/06 audio streams over the weekend. If you want to pay ten bucks to see Brad Pitt get a golden shower, go right ahead. (I couldn’t say that on the air.) I still don’t undersand why that scene was in BABEL. He’s stuck in a remote, desolate part of Morocco with his ailing wife and, the next thing you know, it’s like hidden footage of a date with singer R Kelly. Allegedly. The section with the frightened little kids in Mexico — lord have mercy. I hadn’t heard kids scream so much since “Show and Tell” Day at Neverland Ranch. This way-too long look at the global lack of communication and the clash of cultures has one searing and touching performance — the speech-impaired, promiscuous high schooler in Tokyo played by Rinko Kikuchi. I bet she gets a lot of attention from this performance. But even her sections were overdone. I guess the director felt that seeing her pubic hair would be the visual equivalent of eating Chinese food. You’d be hungry for some more one hour later. Once was enough. She needed to put her panties on.

For a much better film that has an American couple in Morocco, dealing with the Muslim religion, the obstacles in communication, the clash of cultures, the disappearance of a child and having to deal with friction within their own marriage, rent THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH, directed by Alfred Hitchcock. The first ten minutes with James Stewart and Doris Day on a bus with Muslims is just as fresh today as it was in 1956. As for mystery, how Doris Day has never been given an honorary Academy Award is bigger one than where their little boy is hidden in that Hitchcock classic.

Posted in Big Screen | 1 Comment »

America’s Next Flop Model

Thursday, October 26th, 2006

It’s the kind of news story that makes ya wanna turn to your friend and say, “Ooh, girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, did you read this?” Supermodel Naomi Campbell is in trouble again! Miss Thang, according to the British press, slapped and scratched her DRUG COUNSELOR. Lord have mercy. OK..I’m really pretty much over the whole reality show thing. BUT, as soon as Whitney Huston’s divorce is final, I would pay Naomi to marry Bobby Brown and I’d put a hidden camera in every single room of their house. That’s the reality show I would produce. Or better yet, scratch the Brownster idea and lock Naomi in a house with that one-legged golddigger Heather Mills McCartney. THAT could be more fun than the kick-a-thon in “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?”

In national news, Prez G W Bush is back in the campaign trail — sorta kinda — on Friday. He’s reheated the gay marriage debate due to this week’s news out of New Jersey. Our Prez maintains yet again that marriage is meant only for a man and woman — like former NJ Gov. James McGreevey and his two ex-wives and Rep. Gary Condit (remember the Chandra Levy story?) We can already tell that he doesn’t approve of gay people in the White House. Just look at Laura Bush’s hair and wardrobe. Am I right?

Posted in Entertainment, Politics | No Comments »

the blog about Madonna and Child

Wednesday, October 25th, 2006

Here in New York City, if you men are able to get a seat in the streamroom of your local gym due to the emptiness late this afternoon, that’s because Madge and Oprah will be chatting today at 4:00. Yes, gay icon Madonna will tell the Big O all about her attempts to adopt a poor Black child in Africa. Think about the life that kid would have? One day, you’re in an African village praying for clean water. The next, you’re playing with Uncle Rosie O’Donnell’s kids and watching SpongeBob SquarePants. Madonna claims to be surprised at the media swirl surrounding her adoption attempts. November is a critical TV ratings month. She has a special airing on ratings-challenged NBC on November 22nd. Trust me on this — Madge would be more surprised if no one gave a shit. Personally, if she wants to upgrade a poor kid’s life respectably, more power to her. But she also digs the attention. There are poor Black kids right here in the States who have no parents. But celebs have discovered Africa and African children. Black is the new black.

How does her husband, Guy Ritchie, feel about all this? Remember him — the guy who made good movies before marriage to Madge sucked all the vital creative juices out of him? You know what would be a great idea? If Madonna adopted Wesley Snipes. He’s in Africa. He’s Black. He’s broke. If she adopted Wesley, he could pay off all his back taxes, get his name back in the press, and maybe cut a film deal with Mr. Ritchie to star in Jungle Fever: The Musical opposite Madonna. Just an idea.

If you have time, visit this blogsite that I love and see a brilliant theory that Madonna and Beavis (of Beavis & Butthead) may have been separated at birth:
bloggsend.blogspot.com

Posted in Entertainment | No Comments »

the blog about Heather Mills McCartney

Tuesday, October 24th, 2006

She now wants to sue two newspapers for damaging her reputation. Don’t you just want to yank off her leg and whack her upside the head with it? Linda was never that much trouble. The only problem we had with her was her drumming.

Posted in Socially Speaking | 1 Comment »

Road Trip

Sunday, October 22nd, 2006

Have you ever been to Atlantic City with an Oscar winner? I have. After a good live broadcast of WAKE UP WITH WHOOPI before a very appreciate audience in Philadelphia, it was decided that our syndicated morning radio show posse should take a little side trip and see a casino for a spell. So, instead of taking the train back to Manhattan, I drove back with two of the guys. This made for an afternoon of top rate male bonding. We were on the road for, at least, a couple of hours. I had not taken a road trip of that length with straight buddies in ages. What a welcomed and refreshing change it was to take that long a trip in a car with men who never once mentioned –

Madonna
Cher
The new revival of “A Chorus Line”
“Sex in the City” episodes
“Project Runway”
Designer Clothing
Gym Hook-ups
Beyonce’s weave
Hot Latin Men
Anderson Cooper
or Hot Latin Men with Anderson Cooper.

Instead, we talked about rock music, relationships, the Mets, politics, bad agents we’ve encountered in our broadcast careers, Oprah and Gayle on the road looking for a CrackerBarrel restaurant, Chris Rock’s mama being refused service in a CrackerBarrel restaurant and the mystery of how Jay Leno become a millionaire late night TV host. We did Craig T. Nelson lines from POLTERGEIST, Jack Nicholson lines from ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST and Al Pacino lines from SCARFACE. We had big cheeseburgers with fries. OK…we DID talk about Liza…but only in a “What the f*&! was she thinkin’ when she married David Gest?” sort of way. Back home here in Chelsea, I saw four musclemen, all bearded and built like Conan the Barbarian and dressed like Hell’s Angels. What were they talking about? How “fabulous” the Pet Shop Boys concert at Radio City was. See what I mean? Sometimes you gotta travel outside your comfort zone to get your senses restimulated. All in all, it was a great weekend. I love this new job.

Oh! One last thing — here’s something I learned on the road trip. What’s the difference between Congress and the Library of Congress? In the Library of Congress, they don’t let you lick the pages. The mass is ended. Go in peace.