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Archive for September, 2006

Our House: Holy Moley Foley

Saturday, September 30th, 2006

AMERICAblog.blogspot.com
I went there to read the Sept 30 transcripts of the lewd emails from Congressman Mark Foley, (R) Florida, to a teen boy. The transcripts came from the ABC News website. The network broke the big story yesterday. If you read them, you’ll learn that Foley likes teen boys who work out, he likes steamrooms, he likes to pleasure himself with lotion and he cannot spell the word “bulge.” Maybe it was just a typographical error. I suppose it’s hard to type with just one hand.

First of all, this sick practice of grown-ass men going after minors makes me want to go ballistic. Whether the person is straight or gay, it’s wrong..wrong…wrong. Second, factions of the Republican party have been verbally gaybashing ever since our current president has been in office. We they can’t target terrorists as evildoers, they pick on us for wanting to love one person in sickness and in health till death do us part. Did they learn nothing from all that scandal with the Catholic Church last year and the year before that? I’m a Catholic. Proud to be a Catholic. Pope's Red Slippers But I still can’t understand how the men who run THAT corporation can’t condone respectable gay men and then go to work dressed the way they do. Especially the Holy Father. What straight guy do YOU know goes to the office dressed like that? Third, the teen boys that Foley reportedly was sending dirty emails to were pages on the Hill. Many of the pages knew of his inappropriate behavior but were afraid to say anything to their superiors for fear of losing their jobs. So, as kids will do, they alerted each other. If the kids knew that Foley was doing that, then some of the adults did too. And they ignored it.

I have been wasting my time for the last six years with Match.com, asking friends if they can introduce me to someone and hitting work-related events in hopes of getting dates. If I really want a boyfriend, I need to go into politics — maybe even marry a woman — and hook up at the taxpayers’ expense while abusing my power as an elected official. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Yesterday on the radio show with Whoopi Goldberg, I reviewed THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND. I said that the political thriller in a bio of the late Ugandan dictator Idi Amin is about the seduction of power. Henry Kissinger said “Power is the greatest aphrodisiac.” I bet you that in Foley’s case, and perhaps in the case of former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey too, that quote is true. They felt they had the power to get away with what they were doing. McGreevey’s ex-boyfriend should not have been on the payroll. Foley should not have been sending those emails. In Foley’s case, I fear yesterday’s news is just the tip of the iceberg. Would you want to be on the White House team and have to put those fires out this weekend. “Hell” to the “no” on that.

Posted in Politics | 2 Comments »

A Star Is Porn

Thursday, September 28th, 2006

Last year, HBO presented a really smart documentary on porn stars — people who work in the adult film industry. The documentary tied in with the publication of an equally smart and graphic coffee table book titled XXX 30 PORN-STAR PORTRAITS by Timothy Greenfield-Sanders. Along with the Greenfield-Sanders photos are essays by such notables as Salman Rushdie, Gore Vidal, Nancy Friday, Faye Wattleton, John Malkovich and Lou Reed.

One of the adult film stars in the documentary and the book is Michael Lucas. I’m sure that’s not his real name because he was born and raised in Russia. When he talks, he sounds a little bit like Martin Short’s character in the remake, FATHER OF THE BRIDE. I rented one of his DVDs. When he started doing his dialouge, I felt like the other guy should’ve done like Dianne Wiest in BULLETS OF BROADWAY — put fingers to his lips and say, “Don’t..don’t speak. Don’t..SPEAK. Don’t…don’t..”

Some of us may wonder how people could do porn. Lucas brought up one major fact in the HBO feature. What he’d make doing one adult film is more than his father could have made in a year doing hard labor in Moscow. Plus, the money Lucas is making can help bring relatives over the the ol’ USSR to the good ol’ USA. So the real aphrodisiac is a cocktail of money and freedom. Lucas has become a smart producer in the porn business. I get my hair cut at a place in Chelsea. The guy who cuts my hair told me that Lucas sends in several of his new discoveries to the shop for their haircuts. They’re all big, buffed Eastern European guys who also sound like that Martin Short character. Then he puts them in American attire for some pic with a title like BROKEBACK MOUNTIN’ — but they’re giving line readings like this: “So…cowboy…vat you are do-ink here in Vyomingk? Are you married? You got a vife? Here. Have some vhiskey. Relax. My…vat a beeg package. Maybe I should ride you instead of zee horse. HaHaHa. Just kiddink. Here. Have some more vhiskey.”

He really should consider getting some of his actors dubbed.

Anyway, Lucas was at my independent local video store one night when it wasn’t busy. He was with another guy who looked like he could’ve been a porn movie hunk and/or a date. They were very chummy. Of course, I wanted to hear what the Lucas rented. Are you ready?

*A collection of the best of Jack Paar — the late, great TV host who was a big influence on me…
*Hitchcock’s REBECCA…
*A WOMAN CALLED GOLDA — the critically-acclaimed TV bio based on the life of Golda Meir and starring Ingrid Bergman

There’s a lesson in those rentals. Never judge a dirty book by its cover.

Posted in Socially Speaking | 1 Comment »

Dirty Demo Reel

Wednesday, September 27th, 2006

I never saw the infamous Paris Hilton tape. I did see the Colin Farrell sex tape. It was helluva lot better than ALEXANDER. I rented the Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson video. Lord have mercy. I thought it would be about ten minutes long. It’s practically a documentary of them cruising a lake in Southern California. When Pam came onboard and showed you the little man in the boat, she really showed you the little man in the boat.

According to Wednesday’s New York Daily News, there’s another celeb sex tape making the rounds and looking for a distributor. The star? (I hope you’re not eating.) Dustin Diamond, who charmed his way into our hearts as “Screech” on the sitcom SAVED BY THE BELL. Apparently he muscled up thanks to some karate lessons, but still…. What’s next? Hot solo action from the guy who played “Horshach” on WELCOME BACK, KOTTER? Is nothing sacred when anymore trying to recharge one’s career after a few dead spells? I had a plan all ready. Broadway, Hollywood, nervous breakdown, and then…VEGAS! It’s a different game now, obviously. According to the newspaper report, Diamond performs a porn act called “a Dirty Sanchez.”

Don’t ask. “Ya like that, doncha Mr. Belding? Yeah, sure you do. Who’s your daddy, Mr. Belding? Say it! Say, ‘Screech’!”

Posted in TV | 2 Comments »

Jungle Law

Tuesday, September 26th, 2006

I saw Forest Whitaker play Idi Amin in THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND.
Wow.
What a sensational performance. It just burns into your memory. He sure has come a long way since FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH.

Posted in Big Screen | No Comments »

Good Morning, All

Tuesday, September 26th, 2006

The phone rang. I lifted my head off the pillow and squinted at the clock. It was 2:30 in the morning. I prayed it wasn’t an emergency. My prayers were answered. “Hello?” I groaned.

“BobbyBear! It’s Jake. S’up, dude?”

BobbyBear is Jake Gyllenhaal’s nickname for me. I’m probably old enough to be his dad, especially in some Southern states, but that’s what he calls me. Especially when he’s had a couple of beers. And I think he had.

“Jake. It’s 2:30 in the morning. I’ve got a busy Tuesday.”

“Did you see Janet Jackson on Oprah? She was fierce. Girlfriend opened the show with an Old School jam. She did ‘Nasty.’ Too cool. I loved it.”

“That’s because you’re Jack Nasty.”

“Damn right, my man. Damn right. I am Jack Nasty,” he giggled.

“Good. We got that settled. Now why are you calling? Where are you?”

“I’m back here in the city. I did a weekend biking thing with Lance and Matt. Matt smoked a joint the size of kayak. When he gets high, he makes about as much sense as his choice in scripts. But it’s fun to watch him get silly. Lance helped me buy a new bike. It’s awesome.”

His voice got a little lower. “So…you feel like some company? I’m not sleepy. I’m still on Pacific time. I can bring over a couple o’ Coronas and…and…”

And then I was awakened by the sound of a car alarm going off directly across the street from my opened New York City window about 5am. Oh, well. Another day in Gotham.

I don’t mean to be vain, but I was really good in acting class last night. I didn’t expect to be as nervous as I was. Nervous, because the scene was intimate and dramatic and I was drawing on some personal stuff to give the scene some life. My teacher gave me two adjustments. Relax more and stop moving my eyebrows so much. She was right. I looked at the first take. I was playing Ted in QUEER AS FOLK. But, with my eyebrow movements, I was more Groucho Marx in DUCK SOUP.

Speaking of duck soup, I think Food Network has is reducing repeats of TOP 5. It aired yesterday at 9:30 et and it airs this coming Monday morning at that same new time. Don’t know if it’ll air anymore beyond Oct 2nd. It was a good survival job while it lasted but I sure got tired of being branded as a food dude when the kind of work I really love doing is the kind of work I’m doing now on WAKE UP WITH WHOOPI. If I get branded as a movie critic/radio performer, I will not mind in the least. By the way, Food Network was really particular about those scripts. No ad libbing. Stick right to the copy — like I was doing THE WEST WING or, in my case, THE WEST BUFFALO WING. If I had to talk about those damn Aztecs discovering cocoa one more time, I would’ve gone upside some writer’s head with a skillet. But it’s a new day and we’re on to new things.

Cheers.

Posted in My Life | No Comments »

Designer Classics on TCM

Monday, September 25th, 2006

For classic film fans, the smart and elegant designer, Tom Ford, is the guest programmer tonight on TCM — Turner Classic Movies — if you get cable. This is a cool concept on the channel. Actors, directors, designers and politicians have been invited to visit host Robert Osborne and present classic films that they love. When they talk about why the films are important to them, the discussion provides revelations into the people. This was especially memorable when senators like Orren Hatch and John McCain were guests.

Tonight, Ford is presenting four films. Two of them are DINNER AT EIGHT and NOW, VOYAGER. Ford feels that Bette Davis’ NOW, VOYAGER is one of the first beauty make-over films. It really is. Even though it was made in the early 40s, it’s still very modern in this world of Oprah and Dr. Phil. It takes the stand that children have rights…that they need to separate from parents to make their own mistakes, find their own lives, their own voices and discover their own inner beauty. Bette is an “ugly duckling” in the first 20 minutes. The mother is extremely controlling, relentlessly self-absorbed, critical and very manipulative. Notice that she never smiles in her daughter’s presence. You see how her abuse of parental power has cast a dark shadow over her daughter and crippled her emotional growth. Bette Davis gives a damn good performance as Charlotte Vale, the family punchline and a middle-aged woman who is bone-achingly lonely. It’s melodrama kicked up a major notch. Catch it, if you can.

My voyage into acting classes continues tonight. I have a dramatic 3-character scene from the series finale of Showtime’s QUEER AS FOLK. Oddly, it’s a bit of art imitating life. If you saw that episode, I’ve been assigned Ted’s birthday scene. Ted kind of felt like the “ugly duckling” in his group of friends and his birthday was one of disappointment, revelation, acceptance and surprise. I think my teacher really wants me to dig into myself and reveal feelings I try to keep hidden so I can bring some truth to the character. Wish me luck. Maybe I can tap into my inner Bette Davis.

Posted in TV | 1 Comment »

Sunday Sermon

Sunday, September 24th, 2006

Last week, while Justin Timberland was singing SexyBack, our morning posse on WAKE UP WITH WHOOPI started talking about Jesus. One of the staffers mentioned a comedian who does a routine about “How do you know Jesus could’ve really been Italian? Because his mother thought he was God.” That kind of bit. We started talked about perceptions of the Lord. Then somebody said, “How do we know Jesus wasn’t gay?”

I said, “If Jesus was gay, the Last Supper would’ve been the Last Brunch.” Whoopi asked if she can use that in her act. I was extremely flattered. I answered, “Please. Take it with my blessings.”

What a religious concept. If Jesus hadn’t have been straight, today’s communion in the Catholic Church would be Mimosas and the passing of the fruit platter — because gay men don’t eat carbs. And there probably would be an increase in attendance. But that’s just me.
Buddy Christ

Posted in My Life, Religion | 2 Comments »

Classic Whoopi

Saturday, September 23rd, 2006

www.PremiereRadio.com

Go there, scroll down to find Whoopi Goldberg’s fab face in the lower lefthand corner and then click onto it. That’ll take you to a page of audio streams from WAKE UP WITH WHOOPI. You have to hear her imitation of Nancy Grace. Grace is that strident blonde lawyer who has a show on Court TV and sounds like Sally Cato, the Southern belle who wants to pull Beauregard Pickett Burnside away from that Yankee gal Mame Dennis in the movie AUNTIE MAME.

Whoopi does Nancy in Hour #3. It’s classic Whoopi Goldberg. Had she done that hosting the Oscars, it would’ve brought the house down.
I’m in Hour #4 with my film reviews. In a quirky new love story, THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP, handsome Mexican actor Gael Garcia Bernal gives another exceptional performance. The camera just loves him. I wanted to love the movie. Listen to my review. Or scroll down and read it in the entry under this one. I’m praying that Clear Channel can add Los Angeles and Austin, TX to the cities that carry our national radio show. Why? ‘Cuz I love those two cities. That’s why! Don’t make me go Nancy Grace on yo’ ass.

In other showbiz news — over the summer, it was Lance Bass. Now it’s Miss Cleo. My journo amigo out in L.A., Perez Hilton, has the 411 on his website. Remember the Psychic Friends Hotline lady? Change that to the Psychic Friends-of-Dorothy Hotline. Yep. Miss Cleo came out of the closet. Now who could have predicted that? I see comfortable shoes and lots of cats in her future.

www.PerezHilton.com

I’m going to rent Almodovar’s LA MALA EDUCACION (THE BAD EDUCATION) so I can spend part of my weekend with Gael Garcia Bernal. The mass is over. Go in peace.

Posted in Entertainment | No Comments »

Take Me, Mandingo!

Friday, September 22nd, 2006

Today on WAKE UP WITH WHOOPI, I highly recommended that she rent a new DVD release. It’s a critically praised but grossly overlooked mockumentary called CSA: THE CONFEDERATE STATES OF AMERICA. The premise is — what would America be like today if the South had won the Civil War? A British documentary details the history of our new America. During commercial breaks, we see the country today reflected in local news breaks and commercials for fried chicken franchises and home segregation devices. FedEx is now ConFedEx and some slaves use it to mail themselves to freedom.

As I said on the show, if Woody Allen had directed CSA, top national critics would have called it a masterpiece and would’ve said that Allen had totally reinvented himself for the new millennium. This movie is so twisted and so brilliant that it almost gives you brainfreeze. The section with Abraham Lincoln having to flee to Canada via the Underground Railway and having to disguise himself in blackface made me holler with laughter. What really scares you is that all this searing comedy is based in real American history. Yes, back in the 1800s, a doctor declared that slaves ran away from plantations because a psychological condition made them want to flee captivity. CSA was written and directed by Kevin Willmott, a professor at the University of Kansas. Any teacher that creative would make me want to go back to college and get my massah’s…..oops! My master’s degree. His mockumentary, with real and fictional footage, is like Woody Allen’s ZELIG meets the Dave Chappelle show.

What a thrill to be able to introduce listeners to new indie movies. And I ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie. I also reviewed THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP, a theatrical film in limited release. It stars the amazing Gael Garcia Bernal. He played the young Che Guevara in THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES and one of the slacker Mexican dudes on a road trip with an older woman in Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN. Loved his performance as the lovelorn young Walter Mitty kind-of-guy with a hyper imagination and surreal dreams but the director ignored the audience. Michel Gondry, who also directed Jim Carrey in the steadier ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND, got in the way of the love story. He kept inserting his own visions of surreality with the Salvador Dali-esque dream sequences that they got annoying after a really great start. It was sort like being on a blind date with a good guy who tries too hard to be edgy, funny and interesting when he’s just fine and more interesting when he settles down. In Carrey’s movie, the characters become intimate but they don’t really connect. That happens in THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP too, but the pace is so frenetic that you as a viewer can’t connect with the characters. The unicorns are fabulous but let me hook into the love story, Michel. All that aside, looking at Bernal for two hours is not what I call hard work. If you never saw him in THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES, run to your video/DVD store right now and get it. Excellent. Have a terrific weekend.

Posted in Entertainment | No Comments »

The Seder House Rules

Thursday, September 21st, 2006

Sometimes I think gay men have too much free time and too much money. Bless their hearts. This site is for adults only and boasts pics of Holy Land Hotties. Yes, you read that correctly.

www.JewLust.com

“Hey, it’s Passover. So…is that a shankbone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”