Archive for July, 2006

Kind of a Drag

Friday, July 21st, 2006

Robin Williams turns 55 today. He’s one of my favorite actors. If he had received an Oscar nomination for playing Mrs. Doubtfire, I would not have been surprised. It was a brilliant and complex performance. By the way, he didn’t get an Oscar nod for it. Robin Williams, Tom Hanks, Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis, Dustin Hoffman, Barbra Streisand, Julie Andrews, Jamie Foxx and other actors have done some of their best work in drag. John Travolta will play Mrs. Turnblad in the movie version of the Broadway musical “Hairspray.” One evening, after taping some “Top 5″ episodes, our former little ragtag Food Network production crew packed up the equipment and had our customary beer or two before heading home. One of the women started talking about a drag performer she was taping for an indie project. I tossed out a question. “If you did drag for one performance, what would your drag name be?” Totally unexpectedly, one of the biggest burliest dudes on the crew took a sip of his Corona, screwed up his trucker-like face and said “Kitten. Kitten Kaboodle.” A couple of us did the old Danny Thomas spit-take with our drinks. I’m tossing out that same question to you for the weekend. What would your drag name be? Ok…ok…ok. Here’s mine: Freda Slaves.

Fabulous, right? Have a cool weekend.

Posted in Friends & Family | 2 Comments »

Darkness at Noon

Thursday, July 20th, 2006

For five consecutive years, our Prez has dissed the NAACP. He never met with the group. Someone in the White House staff must have told him he needs to mend some fences. W is speaking to the NAACP Convention this afternoon. Considering all the underlying tension that may in the room, here’s my list of 5 Top Lines W Should Not Use to Open His Speech:

5. “What up, dawgs!”
4. “Y’all ain’t still mad about that Strom Thurmond thing, are ya?”
3. “Don’t you just love when Martin Lawrence dresses up like Big Momma? Lord, that man makes me laugh. He is a credit to his race.”
2. “Dyn-o-mite!”
1. “Damn. I haven’t seen this many colored people huddled together since I watched the network news the day after Hurricane Katrina. Just kidding!”

Reportedly, he does plan on citing his administration’s record on advancements for African-Americans. Like giving us voting booths in Florida that had all the information on them printed in Swahili before he got elected the first time. Enjoy your day.

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The Wisdom of “Eve”

Wednesday, July 19th, 2006

All About Eve was one of the best films of 1950. The classic, starring Bette Davis as an aging Broadway star who goes to her battle stations when a pretty young thing tries to steal away her career and her man, still holds up. The brilliant screenplay lit up the desire in James L. Brooks to become a writer when he saw it on TV in his youth. Brooks went on the write TV’s “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” and the screenplays for “Terms of Endearment,” “Broadcast News,” and “As Good As It Gets.”

In the 1950 film, a young starlet named Marilyn Monroe took a bit part and knocked it out of the park. She’s an undertalented babe of a Broadway wannabe named Miss Caswell. She’s being introduced around town by her “date,” the powerful theatre critic Addison DeWitt. He’s described her to friends as “…a graduate of the Copacabaña School of Dramatic Arts.” He gets her a stage audition. She looks great but she’s a disaster. As she reunites with him in the lobby, where he’s having high drama with Bette’s character, they have one of my favorite volleys of dialogue.

Miss Caswell: “Now what?”

Addison: “Your next move, it seems to me, should be towards television.”

Miss Caswell: “Tell me this, do they have auditions for television?”

Addison: “That’s all television is, my dear. Nothing but auditions.”

Here’s tonight 8:00 line-up on network TV –
CBS Rock Star: Supernova
NBC America’s Got Talent
FOX So You Think You Can Dance
ABC The One: The Making of a Music Star

Each one is a reality series with showbiz hopefuls. Some newcomers. Some not. Addison was right.

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The Write Stuff

Tuesday, July 18th, 2006

Last summer I pitched book ideas to a couple of literary agents. They read some of my work and contacted me to meet for lunch. I had taken a few of my *wacky* stories — like still trying to get my mother to pay attention to the career that paid off her mortgage (”Honey…why do you keep trying to get to me subscribe to cable?”), my divorced dad who thought he was watching me on cable but was really watching another brother on the Home Shopping Network and purchasing shit he didn’t even need because he thought he was doing me a favor — plus show biz tales like attending one of Liza Minnelli’s birthday parties or wishing I’d never given Val Kilmer my unlisted home number. Both guys said, “Memoirs don’t sell. No one buys them.” OK. The first agent repped a book written by one of the last surviving Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz and the second reps Augusten Burroughs, author of “Running with Scissors.” What did Gus and the Munchkin write? Memoirs. So this summer, I pitched another idea. A novel. The DeLovely Code. An unmarried, Black private investigator who was once a seminarian goes on vacation to Paris. While there, he becomes privy to some information that the Vatican has worked to suppress. Centuries before the creation of Broadway musicals, Jesus wrote showtunes. He scribbled lyrics on parchment and handed them out to the apostles for their opinion. One of the apostles introduced Jesus to Mary Magdalene. She was not a prostitute. She was his co-writer and did the music. Within the Vatican is a hidden sect of dangerous blond monks called the Doris Dei that will stop at nothing to keep that information a secret. The novel idea didn’t sell either. So I’m wondering if any of you is familiar with iUniverse? I see it advertised on full page ads in the New York Times Sunday book section. It’s published a books by Alan Thicke. Advice & memoirs. Should I check iUniverse out?

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Not SapphO-prah Winfrey

Monday, July 17th, 2006

In the August issue of O Magazine, Oprah states that she and her longtime best friend, Gayle, are not gay. She explains why some people think they are and adds that if she was, she’d have no problem telling folks about it. But can you tell from the commercials for Broadway’s The Color Purple: The Musical, that it has a very strong and obvious love story between two women? A lot of church folks in the audience when I saw Oprah’s production were really surprised. I think we all were. Frankly, I hadn’t seen so much lesbian activity onstage with music since I saw Indigo Girls in concert.

While I was in Chicago, I caught a few Oprah repeats while enjoying the A/C in my room at the Hilton. There was the repeat of her show with the four stars of Brokeback Mountain. I love that show. I’ve seen it three times. Why do I love it? Because I always have the feeling that Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal wanted to look at her at some point and say “Duh.” She couldn’t seem to grasp the concept that two men — good actors fully committed to their brilliantly written complex closeted gay characters — kissed onscreen. How did they do it? Did Jack’s wife know? Oprah’s question were uncharacteristically E! Entertainment Television. It was obvious she’d neither read the short story nor had anyone read it to her. You had the feeling that Heath wanted to say, “You’ve got an Oscar nomination to your credit. How did you play poor Southern women who didn’t have any indoor plumbing when, in real life, you purchased half of Santa Barbara, California? It’s called ‘acting’.” But the second half of the show is devoted to Tyler Perry — a tall, handsome, single Black man who works in drag playing a gun totin’ grandma called “Madea.” THAT she could understand. I love me some Oprah.

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Bosom Buddy

Monday, July 17th, 2006

Business whiz Robert Brooks, the chairman of the Hooters restaurant chain, has passed away at age 69. Can you just imagine what his tombstone will look like? A book about his life is being written. It’ll be called A Sale of Two Titties. (Forgive me, Mr. Dickens).

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Let the Games Begin

Saturday, July 15th, 2006

Some of you regular readers may know that I fell in love early this month. I fell in love with the city of Chicago during the 10 days of work I had there being a pitchman for a Proctor & Gamble product. Today, with Chicagoans preparing for a really hot summer weekend, the Gay Games begin in that city. 12, 000 athletes from 70 countries will be going for the gold. Chicago’s mayor said that he hopes the event will prove that his town can host the Olympics some day. When I was there, all sorts of folks of all sorts of colors and incomes and sexual orientation boasted about the approaching games. “It’s a shame you can’t stay longer and see them,” a few of my co-workers said. I hope the visiting athletes and spectators will be as impressed with the Midwestern politeness as I was and I hope they’ll be just as polite. I doubt the Gay Games will have a scandalous headbutting incident like that in the final minutes of the World Cup, but there could be some serious bitchslapping in jockstraps because of the scorching summer heat and the pressure to give a winning performance. But those cases of SNS Syndrome are rare and short. (SNS Syndrome, for those of you who’ve seen Valley of the Dolls is derived from Patty Duke’s stressed out character who’s constantly told to “Sparkle, Neeley, sparkle!” before she has to perform.) I hope this a great, memorable weekend for athletes and fans alike this weekend — and I pray that the A/C in all the hotels is working. One day I’d like to return to Chicago with a new job and a new romance so I can engage in my favorite weekend sport — tag team shopping. Enjoy your weekend.

Posted in Entertainment | 2 Comments »

Model Behavior

Friday, July 14th, 2006

Instead of a classic Chanel suit, Naomi Campbell has another legal suit on her hands. The supermodel was charged previously with abuse by two former housekeepers. This week, a third employee followed suit. A former personal assistant claims that she was subjected to a series of “verbal, physical and emotional attacks” shortly after her hiring early last year. I may be wrong, but I’m assuming that she’s a white chick. No Black or Puerto Rican sistah worth her weight in government cheese would take that kind of crap from someone who makes big bucks by putting on new dress that costs the same as a down payment on a Hyundai and then walking for 20 yards like a circus pony. She would’ve said, “Oh…no you di-unt” as she gave her soon-to-be-ex-boss a hot Slappacino Grande. There would’ve been nothing left but Naomi’s steaming outer garments and a broomstick — just like when Dorothy got through with the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz. Just my opinion. Keep cool and have a fabulous weekend.

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The Devil Wears Payless

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

First it was Nicole vs Paris. Now it’s Star Jones Reynolds vs Barbara Walters. As a famous Negro once wailed, “Can’t we all just get along?” I was working a job in Chicago when Star went on the Larry King show to tell her tale of occupational woe in a one-hour exclusive. Here’s what I can gather — “The View” decided it was time to let Star move on to other opportunities. Babs is the producer of “The View.” Stars unexpectedly announces on the live show that she won’t be returning for another season. Babs acts surprised to hear to news, making her eligible for next year’s Emmy race in the “Best Supporting Actress” category. Star doesn’t get to finish out the current season. She’s immediately replaced with guests hosts. Somewhere along the way, I missed that the ladies’ daytime TV drama had become an international news story. I was watching NBC’s TODAY during the holiday weekend. After Larry, TODAY had an exclusive interview with Star. She was interviewed by Al Roker. So…I watched those former two tons o’ fun at ten minutes to the hour. They talked. At 8am, the news headlines were pushed back to 8:15 so that AL ROKER could continue his exclusive interview with STAR JONES REYNOLDS. Did anyone else see that? And when Al asked her to reveal whether or not she had gastric bypass, I did a Danny Thomas spit-take with my coffee. The most recent terror message from Osama bin Laden got about one minute of news coverage. Star Jones Reynolds got nearly a half-hour. OK…I know she can squeeze her gunboats into a pair of Payless shoes, which she’s done on TV commercials. But, as far as entertainment, what else does she do other than talk? Like a character in Singin’ in the Rain said about an overblown silent screen star, “She can’t sing. She can’t dance. She can’t act. She’s a triple threat.” Was it just a slow news day or am I being too sensitive about the line between news and entertainment having been totally erased? By the way, on July 6th at 9:50, TODAY had a live segment with summer cooking tips for the family. The tips were printed onscreen below the guest chef as he prepared the beef for grilling. At 9:51, the following graphic was typed below him: “Pound Meat Between Lightly Oiled Plastic Wrap.”

I’m not making this up, y’know. Enjoy your day. Play safe.

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My Kind of Town…

Tuesday, July 11th, 2006

…Chicago is. Sinatra introduced those words set to music in a movie song he sang onscreen in the 60s. I felt that same way for 10 days that concluded Sunday night. If I had the chance, I’d go back there this coming weekend, even if it is going to be hotter than blazes. I wouldn’t care. Every single day I hosted cooking demonstrations for FiberSure at Tastes of Chicago, someone would walk by and shout “Hey, Al Roker! The weight loss looks great!” I took it with a grin because, overall, the 10-day gig was great. I got to work with some excellent local talent and supportive corporate execs. Also, for me, working in Chicago was like being the regular guy who flirts with a hot babe — and the hot babe not only flirts back but gives you a phone number. That’s a full 360 from what I’ve been experiencing here in Manhattan the last few years.
Occupationally and romantically. More later. I’ve got to cut some demo tapes — to send to Chicago along with some resumés. By the way, a whole lot o’ folks — chefs, corporate execs and TV viewers in OprahTown — watch Top 5 but didn’t know that Food Network took it out of production two years ago. I let it be known that I’m available.

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